election potpourri
Already : Hatachi Archives
election potpourri Tuesday November 2
election 2004 predictions:
- every single blog pundit will attempt to avoid cliche. as such, they will skip the outcome analysis, leaving that to the television, and attempt satire. they will embody election rhetoric while avoiding the election itself. this combination will dispel ideas of political apathy while also passively boasting that they are organically involved in the neo-public opinion forum of the blogging community. as such, they will consider their input valuable, and they will believe that you should see it as valuable.
- the act of voting, while arguably the average american citizen's most legimate tool for public policy change, will be cast as not hip. unlike the usual concept that the winners write history, in the blogging community, it is the losers who will write the history. the winners will only write token posts to discuss the success of their supported campaign, and the losers will be left significant time to sorely discuss their loss. they will blame their failure on the only thing that they can: "the system". the base level of said system is the polling place, and thus voting will be recast as ineffective.
- canadian stock markets will see a higher volume when the election results are confirmed. many liberals have threatened to move to canada following the re-election of president bush; regardless of actuality, speculation on the population influx and the subsequent consumption will cause canadian market fluctuation.
- alcohol-serving establishments will post significant profits. drown your sorrows, celebrate your victories: everybody goes to the bottle.
- the major news networks will stage a faux coup immediately following the election. years ago, both networks mutually agreed to take partisan stances on a divided nation, thus guaranteeing themselves an equal -- but dedicated -- ratings share. when there are no more election-related stories to spin, the networks will be forced to align forces, use their collective reach into american homes to convince the nation that a coup is actually occurring, and redivide the nation. the coup will actually be occurring on a soundstage in burbank, california. naomi was already contracted to work set crew, it is her responsibility, among other things, to convince the local army-navy surplus store to lease the decorative tank sitting in the parking lot to her production team.
- marmite will continue to taste terrible to everyone except the britains and some former colonial possesions' citizens; as such, british food will still suck. tony blair will withdraw troops from iraq; he has stayed on board thus far because president bush has yet to make good on the promise of getting him, "one of those bloody texan hats, you know, like your american cowboys wear" in return for his war support.
- many, many people will receive an e-mail from grassroots internet organizations from the losing side thanking everyone for their support and effort over the last six months; that e-mail will ultimately try to mask the fact that such e-mails clogged inboxes asking for money for months with no results. also, the winning organizations will feel the sigh of relief thinking that they "did it", and no one will care about them anymore since their cause was championed. as such, grassroots internet organizations will take a hit; most will die out.
- male pop country artists will sing about being proud to be an american in a democratic system where everyone is free. lyrics will also likely mention pride about soldiers in iraq, and suggest that the "towelheads" are done for when they meet up with the boys in blue.
