being alone
Already : Hatachi Archives
being alone Thursday October 28
this summer, i (re)learned how to be alone. as a generally social person, i sometimes get caught up in people and fail to value my own time. this is not to say that i don't need others to get by: who knows where i would be without the support and guidance of naomi, nate, the rents. the list goes on.
when i examine the times that i have "not been alone", however, i see that i was orchestrating the circumstances instead of embracing being alone. possibly, this is because i had equated being alone with loneliness. i'm not doing that at the moment, and i simply don't believe that to be true.
i don't want to blame all of my inadequacies on things that "happened to me" during the last academic year. while i can say that i didn't have an easy year, it was all a matter of perspective, and i lacked ability to identify what was important and good for me. rather, i concerned myself with others in a social construct to avoid thinking about myself. possibly worse, i believe i overvalued my lack of self-importance as a device of humility.
i don't regret this period. it is something i knew i would need to live through and could not circumvent, or, even, would not circumvent, and i knew i would find myself "here": a more rational, stable individual who can appreciate himself. in short, my self-esteem has gone back up, so i don't need to falsely prop myself up with inconsequential socialization: something that's easy to do in college.
