airplane stream of consciousness

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airplane stream of consciousness Tuesday August 17

on my way back from new york, i had to fly a commuter prop plane from saint louis to champaign. i thought i was going to suffer, but contrary to my expectations, it was a very nice, smooth flight.

to help combat fear while flying, though, i scribbled a stream-of-consciousness about my time in new york city. i have republished it here for the record (and so i can throw out the paper it's written on; i don't like paper clutter in my bag):

lessons learned in new york city

but not to look on the past too long, how are we going to make a change to better ourselves for the future?

sister-in-law: it is what it is, i love my brother, but i cannot see eye-to-eye with his wife. he needs to do what he needs to do to be happy, and if she makes him happy, i'll live with it. if she doesn't make him happy, i'll live with it. it is his own responsibility to figure out what is best for him. so for me, this means i won't be going back to new york city for any sister-in-law-related business, uhm, as long as the situation persists. however, i have almost a premonition about my brother and his life, and i feel that by going to the city i expedited the outcome of whatever was naturally occurring anyway.

money: money is trivial, so i can't really honestly tell you that $1500 (most of which i would have made in c-u anyway) was worth it. but my young self "got out there". i made all the arrangements and did it. hardships included, i truly am capable of self-sustenance.

differences: new york is diversity on acid; champaign-urbana is a segregated diverse population. yet champaign made roscoe look bad, and now new york city makes champaign look bad. but my heart has a home; my home is rooted with my family and my past, and if i want to take this time to plan what to do next, there is no better backdrop than my shady urbana neighborhood.

future: from here i will make an effort to work on myself; i feel life has thrown some circumstances my way to help me along to being a better person. some say "you are who you are", faults and all, but if that's so, then "i am" a person who is not content with self-stasis. thus, developmental change is my desired position, and i will seek out circumstances that provoke such developments.

it's not where you are, it's who you are.