london et al

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london et al Thursday December 4

i called nancy from monument station at the prescribed 10:30, but she said that she needed until half (past) eleven. thus, i left monument in search of the thames, walking south across a pedestrian bridge and continuing towards waterloo station along the river path that i walked along three years ago. i passed a park bench with the inscribed placard: "everybody needs a place to think". forty-five minutes later, i reached waterloo station and took the northern line up to angel to meet nancy.

people asked me why i was in england, and i usually said, "because i was supposed to go to spain, but then i didn't." vague at best, the inquistor usually did not press for details. those who did did not hear the story, just the circumstances. i knew before i left that this time abroad was not going to be about vacation, relaxation, or trying to bury the real reason i had purchased the tickets in the first place. london was, as i expected, not much more than a place to think.

after adjusting to jet lag and developing a daily routine, there were moments where i started to feel like i was living in london, and that i was not on vacation. during those times, one of which was during that walk along the thames, i thought of what cara felt like living in granada. surely, it couldn't be too much different than those pangs of independence i felt throughout the latter half of my time abroad. out of nowhere, i felt like i understood why she wanted to go it alone in terms of our relationship.

my initial emotional reaction to this was mixed, as the empathy i felt seemed to require me to agree with her actions. when you understand why you have been hurt, demonizing the other's actions or thoughts becomes difficult. circumstances become the demon, and circumstances have no agency on their own, thus we can do no more than accept them as what has become. this isn't to say i have agreed with her to every end, but i cannot disagree that we all need enough emotional and physical space to find ourselves in a life that gives us the privledge of consistent distraction from what's really important. in fact, it seems that we often don't stop to even question what is important.

so, it was good to get away from urbana. having so much free time and no way to spend it, i was forced to think about what i would fill my time with if i could choose over again, cutting out the things that are less important to me. and so i started thinking about my future after college. sure, i've led myself to a particular path based on my studies of japanese language and culture as well as my business in programming and web design. however, as long as i am in college, my place of residence, and thus my scope of opportunity, remains chosen for me. following graduation, i have to choose where i reside, and what i will do, and in that equation, my determination is the only limiting reagent.

how sexy.

but i have always been the fat kid at the buffet of life, and i've apparently gotten to the age where i have no choice but to order one entree off of the menu. such a choice requires the careful weighing of all involved advantages and detractions, and a decent amount of consideration about what my true motivations and goals are in my young life.

all right, i'm going to zoom in a little, as the abstraction of my situation may make for better reading, but it leads to no concrete conclusion. the requirements for graduation with a bachelor's degree in east asian languages and cultures are six semesters of one language, four advanced-level courses on any topic, and specific courses on asian history, literature, and society. on top of these requirements, i must meet the university's general education requirements, of which i have done all but two courses. in the end, i need six specific courses to graduate: just outside of the grasp of a single semester. i have also considered summer courses that would lead to an august 2004 graduation, but the problem is that i cannot take all six courses over those two semesters because some of them are not offered concurrently, and some are not offered at all during the summer sessions. i have yet to look into guided individual study, but as a procrastinator, it seems like a bad idea.

therefore, returning to school in the fall is most likely imminent. unless something better comes along, i'd like to do the JET program in japan to pay off those burdensome college debts soon after graduation as well as to be able to express myself in this goofy language i like to study in my free time. the problem i thought i had, though, was that the JET program is specifically crafted for recent college graduates: the program begins from september and lasts through the following year. i had a mental roadblock before that kept begging the question: well then, what would you do between january and september? and for awhile, that question stumped me, and the lack of an answer frightened me into not considering any option that created such a circumstance.

london gave me the right push here. who is to say that i cannot leave champaign-urbana in december of next year after graduation and go to japan to live and work? who is to say that i could not do the same for london? south africa? new zealand? thailand? it could even be new york city. am i bound for a city no matter what? probably not, but for someone who has little business so far away from "home", it's natural that the easiest work, friends, and lifestyle will come with a big city: it's full of people doing the exact same thing.

even though todd recommends against it if i want to avoid doing it indefinitely, i can also continue to do freelance web work from anywhere in the world that has an internet connection. i thought about that when i was working at the coffeeshop off of piccadilly circus this past week. piccadilly circus. the espresso in urbana. kanazawa. it doesn't matter where. if it's got an internet connection, it's a potential office for me. and that's actually quite liberating, not constraining as i had originally envisioned the business to be.

i can't quite say what i'd like to do after the JET program yet. signs point towards some graduate work, as i'd like to write academically, i think, but i have no way of knowing what kinds of opportunities or interests will develop in the coming two years. funny though, for over a year now i've been making plans in my head to study abroad in japan again, but when i clear my head a little, i realize that it's the country i want, not the school, and that i'm quite done with going to class. in fact, writing a paper should follow writing this text, if i get around to it on this leg of the trip...

i know i've gone in a lot of directions here, and covered a lot of ground. there may be more detail that you think is lacking, and you can ask me about it. but i didn't want to make this exclusively about my future, or about what i did in london, or how i feel about being single again, or anything in particular. take it as a more-or-less state of the union of my inner selves. odd, when i use that phrase. anyone remember my "state of the union" e-mails?