christmas discussion [cont'd]
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christmas discussion [cont'd] Saturday December 14
i was talking to esther immediately after i made the previous post about the holiday season. i told her that i was not sure if i wanted to leave it online, because it was very stream-of-consciousness-esque, and i did not feel like it neatly and cleaning represented how i felt or what i wanted to say. it did indeed say a lot that i had been thinking about, but it even seemed disorganized to me.
esther said to let it stand; she said that i should allow people to comment, and then make a follow-up. i agreed, and i have enjoyed the comments on that most more than most of the short one-liners i and other people usually give on such websites.
my mom's comment informed me that we won't be soup-kitchening on christmas; they're already booked. interesting that a number of other normal, middle-class white americans have flocked to the same idea of doing something alternatively and [questionably] helpful on a day so usually associated with family.
this is very ashley-like, and i did not intend to have this song playing when i was composing this post. however, it seemed to fit:
rent - what you own:
don't breathe too deep don't think all day dive into work drive the other way that drip of hurt that pint of shame goes away just play the gameyou're living in america
at the end of the millennium
you're living in america
leave your conscience at the tone
and when you're living in america
at the end of the millennium
you're what you ownso i own not a notion
i escape and ape content
i don't own emotion
i rentdying in america
at the end of the millennium
we're dying in america
to come into our own
and when you're dying in america
at the end of the millennium
you're not alone
i'm not alone
i'm not alone
and i hate to make this a quote-fest, but i can't neglect the quote i posted this summer from natsume souseki, in kokoro (which i read this fall for my literature class):
you see, loneliness is the price we have to pay for being born in this modern age, so full of freedom, independence, and our own egotistical selves.
why else do i seek to connect to "the masses", or "humanity", or everyone who is human but not like me as if it will somehow give me the perspective and insight to lead a better life? or am i just suffering the effects of being in a society where you're nobody important unless someone wants you dead?
the soup kitchens don't need me this year, and according to angela, i'd merely be helping these people live without homes that much easier. read the blog "the homeless guy" sometime (there is a link from todd's link page); it is written by a reasonably educated homeless man who would rather not get a real job or life. he's perfectly content living in libraries and reading, and to be honest, if he is getting all of his basic needs covered for him (shelter, food, water, air), then why would he get a job? he has a wonderful job already: reading books all day.
what you own talks about what you've got even if you're poor; i.e., that you're never alone if you've got friends and family, and i agree with that. souseki suggests we are alone because of our own human-race egotism.
i don't have the answers to any of the implicit questions i'm posing. i'm throwing out all kinds of evidence from the corners of my cranium; i am posting song lyrics and a quote from a novel, but as of yet i have failed to make a cohesive point about how i feel.
i always want new experiences to shape my understanding of people. people are people, and the human condition is something i feel like i can learn more about by studying all kinds of people who have had all kinds of experiences. i fundamentally believe we are shaped mostly by our experiences, and if we can pinpoint examples that have made us become a certain way, we can more easily evaluate at any point in time whether or not such a force is still relevant.
this is my way of saying i'm still undecided, i suppose.
