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i need a haircut, part ii Sunday December 29

results of not showering for a day; i hear long hair is coming back in, though.

Saturday December 28

yeah, i am an emotional fuckwit. i have no idea what's up from down; if i had something to be happy with, i probably would not know it, and on top of that, i've been this clueless since summer. i've been struggling to figure out what the hell my problem is.

back in the saddle Friday December 27

(foremost, i want to let my parents know that it is not them i am glad to escape.)

i have returned to urbana, and i feel like i accomplished most of what i set out to do at home. now it is time to attack everything else that needs to get done. last year over break i had a long list as well, but heather got in the way. it's not that i minded, but you know how girls are. they block productivity (thereby reducing my overall effectiveness, jon) with their wily ways -- and not even on purpose.

i proposed a new solution to the woman question on the way down to school today with nate and ashley.

"maybe, i should just scrap all of the women currently on the table and just start anew. i mean, it's like when i made chocolate-covered pretzels the other day and i accidentally burned the chocolate chips a little. they went into that weird half-fudge-half-fugue state that you can't snap them out of by adding heat, and you're best off throwing them out and buying new chips," i conjectured.

"sounds like the beginning of a hiatus to me," nate added.

well, i don't know about that, and i'm not saying that that weird fudgy stuff doesn't taste good; it's just not in a form i can use with my current recipe.

chambana goals:

• wpgu stuff: prove to everyone you still work there, earn enough money to have some to spend. do some research for the business.
• home: todd cleaned up a lot, but as we all know, cleaning is never finished. i plan to shampoo some carpets.
• muzak: this goes with wpgu. as jon pointed out over break, and i admit to it, i've been out of the new music scene for a little too long; i want back in the game.
• computer: i have a lot of nerding out to do, and obviously, those things will turn up here.
• fun: self-explanatory; this consists of chilling, watching movies, eating, debauchery, and of course, late night coffee.

yea rockford! Tuesday December 24

i need to vacate northern illinois as soon as possible. many people are fully content living their entire lives here, with children to boot. the longer i am here, however, the more i am dissatisfied. i am not disrespecting my parents; they have done an excellent job parenting by showing me that there's more in the world than what rockford can provide. some people, however, seem to be just fine here:

apparently, the front had a picture of rocky the squirrel

to divert our attention from rockford, the different kind of greatness, we have played a long game of risk.

nate won in the end. what else is new?

now we've moved on to age of empires ii. jon may be returning with nathan, ashley, and i to chambana on friday; we'll see how that goes. if you ever have the option to go to rockford, just come for the spectacle of it -- it doesn't really affect you that negatively until you start asking questions about where the people you went to high school with are now.

home Saturday December 21

i am away from school now, clutching not the day-to-day hectic lifestyle, but only my doggies and well-prepared meals. let's take a moment to examine what i'll be doing:

• sleeping more than eight hours per night


• reading interesting books that i will not write papers about


• eating good mother-or-father-prepared meals


• planning the end of the free world with jon


• planning the new world order, as ruled by myself and jon

the bachelor pad store Thursday December 19

i went out again with the new cost plus world market store on prospect avenue. our first date was last week when charlotte and i went to the nearby damon's; she suggested i check it out. i did, but i wasn't sure if it was my thing yet.

so, today again, driven by capitalism, materialistic greed, and the forty bucks burning in my back pocket, i dropped in for a more intimate visit. this store will, without a doubt, be where i buy my pimp furninshings for todd and i's bachelor-pad-to-be next year. that is, if the mug ever starts being a bachelor again. let's not discuss that currently.

first, we've got the pillow and bedding selection. everything's just stacked up against the wall, so you have got a real clear-cut view of which colors are available. also note that there are framed mirrors for sale, one of which i used to take this picture. when i get my bachelor pad next year, i'm planning on buying one for over my bed.

ooh, the candles. chicks go crazy for that scented stuff; set a few of them up in different corners of your bedroom, and you're set from the moment they walk in. as for getting them that far, well, the store can't help you there, my friend.

you can pretend to be all cultured with neat chinese-style lamps, or just decorate your psuedo-avant-garde-chinese-meets-mediterranean-high-priced-cliche-chain restaurant with lamps like these.

and they sell rubber duckies. not that anyone buys them, but they sell them. and that's the point.

the duckies were most likely made in thailand by some peasant, and that means it falls under the category of "world market"; therefore, they can be sold to me as a cheap bathtime trinket in champaign, illinois for a price that would pay the salary of the worker who made it for two weeks.

conclusion: god bless a strong dollar, and world market is the new place to go to outfit your bachelor pad. feed the poor of the world, get neat, officially-authentic goods, and if you can lure them that far, impress women who enter your bedroom. not a bad start for a pier-one knock-off.

my chic new candle and votive. all i need is to do now is to get them through the threshold of the bedroom.

only funny during finals week Wednesday December 18

the following links are reserved for those who need finals-week amusement:

legodeath [hah]
off my lawn [strangely entertaining]
poke the bunny [all college students must poke the bunny]
stabbing over hairy butt dispute [only in NJ]

please feel free to post your own below.

proliferation Saturday December 14

in the past few days, i have been a very proliferate blogger. this is a general indication that there is something i want to get out onto paper, and the repetition indicates that i am failing to do so. forgive those ramblings as i try to sort out why i am a little unhappy right now. i feel like i have nothing to look forward to, and i guarantee the fact that i can't really go outside doesn't help.

christmas discussion [cont'd]

i was talking to esther immediately after i made the previous post about the holiday season. i told her that i was not sure if i wanted to leave it online, because it was very stream-of-consciousness-esque, and i did not feel like it neatly and cleaning represented how i felt or what i wanted to say. it did indeed say a lot that i had been thinking about, but it even seemed disorganized to me.

esther said to let it stand; she said that i should allow people to comment, and then make a follow-up. i agreed, and i have enjoyed the comments on that most more than most of the short one-liners i and other people usually give on such websites.

my mom's comment informed me that we won't be soup-kitchening on christmas; they're already booked. interesting that a number of other normal, middle-class white americans have flocked to the same idea of doing something alternatively and [questionably] helpful on a day so usually associated with family.

this is very ashley-like, and i did not intend to have this song playing when i was composing this post. however, it seemed to fit:

rent - what you own:

don't breathe too deep don't think all day dive into work drive the other way that drip of hurt that pint of shame goes away just play the game

you're living in america
at the end of the millennium
you're living in america
leave your conscience at the tone
and when you're living in america
at the end of the millennium
you're what you own

so i own not a notion
i escape and ape content
i don't own emotion
i rent

dying in america
at the end of the millennium
we're dying in america
to come into our own
and when you're dying in america
at the end of the millennium
you're not alone
i'm not alone
i'm not alone

and i hate to make this a quote-fest, but i can't neglect the quote i posted this summer from natsume souseki, in kokoro (which i read this fall for my literature class):

you see, loneliness is the price we have to pay for being born in this modern age, so full of freedom, independence, and our own egotistical selves.

why else do i seek to connect to "the masses", or "humanity", or everyone who is human but not like me as if it will somehow give me the perspective and insight to lead a better life? or am i just suffering the effects of being in a society where you're nobody important unless someone wants you dead?

the soup kitchens don't need me this year, and according to angela, i'd merely be helping these people live without homes that much easier. read the blog "the homeless guy" sometime (there is a link from todd's link page); it is written by a reasonably educated homeless man who would rather not get a real job or life. he's perfectly content living in libraries and reading, and to be honest, if he is getting all of his basic needs covered for him (shelter, food, water, air), then why would he get a job? he has a wonderful job already: reading books all day.

what you own talks about what you've got even if you're poor; i.e., that you're never alone if you've got friends and family, and i agree with that. souseki suggests we are alone because of our own human-race egotism.

i don't have the answers to any of the implicit questions i'm posing. i'm throwing out all kinds of evidence from the corners of my cranium; i am posting song lyrics and a quote from a novel, but as of yet i have failed to make a cohesive point about how i feel.

i always want new experiences to shape my understanding of people. people are people, and the human condition is something i feel like i can learn more about by studying all kinds of people who have had all kinds of experiences. i fundamentally believe we are shaped mostly by our experiences, and if we can pinpoint examples that have made us become a certain way, we can more easily evaluate at any point in time whether or not such a force is still relevant.

this is my way of saying i'm still undecided, i suppose.

only my brother's roommate... Friday December 13

holmes: ok so this morning i got home and the front door to our apartment was hanging wide open
holmes: and as i walk into my half of the apartment i notice a bowl of water and a half eaten sandwich on the floor
holmes: so jie gets home around 1030 or so and he says:
holmes: "yeah so the bowl and sandwich i left out because a cat followed me home last night"
mark: why was the door open?
holmes: so the cat could come in
holmes: but jie left
holmes: so he left the door open
holmes: for the cat
holmes: with a half eaten sandwich that he pulled outta the garbage
holmes: (it was phil's)

the holiday season Thursday December 12

listening to: esther's classical mix cd
reading: the silent cry
feeling: productive enough not to go to class

i can't quite explain why it is that i am far more productive when i don't go to class; it is as if class merely occupies your time. when i think about it more, though, i just realize that class exists to add to your workload, not reduce it, and therefore the sole act of going to class is futile on days when you want to feel as if you accomplished something. anyway.

for at least five years, my mom has been sick of christmas. capitalism has given me much of the freedom i enjoy, but at the cost of things like the holiday season: marketers ask themselves how they can take a fundamental holiday to our society and turn it into a product; they have succeeded. truly, we are brilliant minds that have learned to manipulate each other so well.

i don't know who brought up the idea first, but someone suggested working in a soup kitchen on christmas. that was about five years ago, and i have spent the last five christmases at home. it's time for a change. therefore, my mom is getting me one present this year: a new wallet, which i was going to buy anyway (sorry todd, i tried your no-wallet approach, but i just have too much plastic in my pocket). fine.

the question is, how much of a bleeding heart liberal am i? is it not fair to say that i should get to enjoy christmas with my family with eggnog and presents and fireplaces and cookies? has my family not worked to deserve that holiday? who is to say that some bum who cannot hold a job deserves a warm christmas dinner served by my hand? why can't he or she just get a job, and begin building their own christmas?

in a capitalistic society, there will be rich, there will be poor, there will be middle class. unfortunately, those with some money have difficulty projecting themselves onto the poor, and there have been thousands of tired, cliche films and stories based on this sole concept. however, there is some value to it: regardless of wealth, people are people, and they deserve the same basic respect. we don't give it freely because of our prejudices.

i'd like to say that i am prejudice-free, but i know that is not the truth. yesterday, esther sent me a link to tolerance.org, and i took their hidden bias test for white/black adults. naturally, the results indicate that i have a strong subconscious bias for whites. i'm not pleased by that result, and the website discusses how my result is entirely natural: our nature makes us categorize, and i am categorizing based on my in- and out-group experiences; i grew up in a white town. i intrinsically feel more comfortable around whites at first glance.

foremost, go take that test; it meant a lot to me. however, the relevance to this post is the extrapolation of the in-group concept. if you grew up in middle class white america, that's what you're prone to, regardless of whether or not that group fairly represents humanity at large. that group (or, my group) has a basic standard definition of christmas: the things i mentioned above. christmas trees. family. eggnog. cookies. fireplaces.

many people have live lives where christmas means nothing like that, but the conceptual idea of the holiday has absolutely no stipulations on class or race. i was under the impression that christmas was supposed to be a broad, all-encompassing moment for humanity?

oh, and don't start about christmas only being a christian holiday; i know that it is, but i would like you to find me a religion that doesn't have a holiday that supports a similar idea. seriously. find me one. i'm not doubting their existence, but i am saying that the basic desire to have a holiday with family, love, and bonding as the main highlights are independent of christianity, or religion for that matter, and i think we should view this argument in secular terms.

back to the point: i would like to think that christmas (other days too, but within the context of the argument, christmas) should be a day where i realize that my true in-group is humanity itself, and that serving homeless people food is a way to interact with more of my "family" than sitting in my living room. does that make sense?

mom, there's no backing out this year. we're doing it.

late night amusement

esther: holy crap
esther: hold on
mark: okay?
esther: i broke the kitchen table
mark: !?
esther: i made brownies & i put them straight from the oven onto the table & i forgot that youre not supposed to do that & it cracked

part of the table esther broke with her brownies

i have my life back Wednesday December 11

danielle's project is in the bag, it went all right. there were some last minute troubles we can't figure out, but everything went all right according to sam, the guy i ran into today at the studio when i went over to pick up my bag. the pictures are up.

as well, because i went hardcore this weekend, i have no paper to write. sure, it's due tomorrow, but i had the freedom to spend ten minutes just trying to decide which font to use for the cover page. bam. of course, all of that time could have been spent doing engineering work, and i think that my inactivity in those classes guarantees me Cs in both of them. whatever. if i get an A on this paper, all will be right in my mind.

tonight is a few things: (a) my first shower since monday, (b) the dance major bar crawl, regan wants todd and i to come out and see her and her friends at murphy's, and (c) clean-up-your-room-finally time. not necessarily in that order. tomorrow i turn the paper in, as well as my study abroad application, and we're all set until finals.

sleep dep is my friend

today charlotte asked me a question, and my first thought said: "signs point to yes." when you're answering questions like the magic eight ball, you know you need sleep. in the past two and a half days, i've gotten about 9 hours. i slept for ten minutes on a hard table in a bright room while waiting for danielle to finish cutting paper. i'm done, and my body won't let me do any more. but luckily, the project seemed to have been completed when i left tonight, and i'll put up the pictures tomorrow. this one couldn't wait:

i cut my hands on the glass. a few times.

nerd, continued Sunday December 8

well, todd and i both have papers to write and readings to do today. naturally, we worked on our webpages to procrastinate. finally, if you are too tired to browse my photo albums one by one, you now have the option to view them as a huge list of thumbnails (the way it should be). now i just need pictures y'all haven't seen.

weekend o' productivity Saturday December 7

usually the weekend is the time to play, and the week is the time to work. however, because there are a lot of things outside of school that i want to do next week (and because i have to help danielle with her project), i am electing to do nothing interesting this weekend other than homework. of course i'll never get everything for next week done, but if you shoot for the stars, even if you miss, you'll land among the clouds. and you can shoot me for even using that expression.

regan was so kind as to cut my hair, i'm trying to think of something nice to do for her in return. tonight i'll go see her dance show with reva, esther, and nate; then, i'll come back here to keep working on homework.

she says she "likes to cut hair". well, i'm a new client.

tomorrow is the hole-up-and-write-six-pages day, and everyone thinks i'm ridiculous for worrying about such a paper. you don't realize, people, that i've been an engineer. i usually don't have to worry about this kind of thing. it's foreign to me.

i feel good Thursday December 5

today was one of those days when i was amazingly productive; i'm very happy about that. everything got crossed off the to-do list, and now all i have left to do is schoolwork.

wait, that's depressing.

it's now cold enough that i remembered to specifically stop at walgreen's on my way home to get carmex. that's all i bought, and i had to pay with my debit card. ah, college.

i hope i can also manage to pull a six page paper on tanazaki's the key out of thin air over the weekend: i have two christmas parties to attend next week, on back-to-back nights.

i hate rockstars Tuesday December 3

this is going to be a rant post, so watch out. there might be abusive language, sharp corners, and i might even make fun of your musical tastes (don't worry, i knew your taste sucked long before discussing it here).

i hate rockstars. but i don't just hate rockstars, i hate the people behind them. i hate the people that work day in and day out to create them, i hate the music industry, the big five, radio stations that accept money (called payola for those of you not in the industry) for playing shitty songs (which is most), and even you and me. that's right, i hate us, because we allow it all to happen.

"mark, what the hell are you talking about?"

i came to work today at two in the afternoon. at two-thirty i was on the side of the stage; clem and i were talking about the new sound gear he's trying to get budgeted for the auditorium. a few gentlemen walked in the back door, which was open for some load-in, and we knew they were the band. i used to talk about the benefits of being in touch with the aforementioned rockstars, but now i'm done.

the guy climbs up behind the drum technician, who is setting up a cymbal, and almost shoves him off of the platform. then, he fiddles with the drums for a bit, and only then do i notice he's got headphones in his ears. he looks like he's on something. one of the starcourse staff was stinking up the stage with a mcdonald's hamburger (that gets no link, on purpose), and he dived off the platform, swerved over towards us, swung himself on top of some road cases, and leered down at the guy before speaking.

"where did you get that?" he asked, as if mcdonald's was the missing link to his life-long search for eternal bliss. by this point, we've all figured out that he's not weird, and that yes, he is indeed under the influence of some mind-altering drug, presumably pot and/or coke. however, i can say presumably pcp if i want to, because that's the power that adverb gives me, so take my opinion for what it's worth; the fact of his insobriety remains unquestioned.

mouth full of hamburger, the guy didn't respond right away. but that doesn't matter. the rockstar wants a hamburger. somebody better go fuckin' get him one. clem, the starcourse production manager (and fellow foellinger employee), takes control: "yo, get a runner, get an order together for fast food."

this is what you get when you're a rockstar.

apparently, the vines are well-known already for causing problems, and they have a history of smashing guitars onstage during performances. i was talking to one of the guitar technicians, he was putting together two seperate guitars. one's neck had been broken, and the other had a broken body; he was making them into a new guitar.

at the show, during the last song (which was entitled fuck the world), the lead singer elected to hit things on stage with his guitar, knock over his amp, and then go after the drum set, knocking stuff over. the drummer got in on it, and proceeded to knock the lead singer's guitar tuner over. the lead singer also took a coke can (which we know had more than coke in it), and hit it with his guitar. it exploded everywhere.

downstairs, they were drunkenly playing the piano and singing. then they decided that that would be letting the janitors off too easily, so they proceeded to play cricket (austrailian band) with the broken guitar necks for paddles and oranges for balls. however, that wasn't enough, so they somehow managed to get the tomatoes, lettuce, and other foods from the hospitality table (including the peanut butter; the jelly, in a glass container, was spared) all over the floor of the hallway and dressing rooms.

truly, there's nothing more rockstar than that.

they left scratches in the stage. we'll call the carpenter tomorrow. he'll make an estimate, and we'll charge starcourse that much. they'll proceed to charge the tour that much. then, we'll also tack on the extra janitorial fees for the dressing room snafu.

the question is, why did all of this happen? who allowed it to happen? we were warned by the tour manager ahead of time that that's how this band acts, and he told us that the tour would pay all costs that the band incurred. they were enablers. fuckin' enablers. enabling the amateur rockstars to take over my stage.

and who's footing that bill to pay the janitor to clean the tomatoes? not the building i work for. starcourse is. of course, they'll bill the band. the band will bill the tour. and the label and/or mtv2 (who is sponsoring the tour) will eventually pay, as they've already budgeted for it, i'm sure. there is no way that a band on its debut album could ever get this kind of tour together themselves.

i don't even know if they act like that because they can get away with it, or if they act like that because no one has told them any better. it doesn't matter. the label wants all that press, as much as it get can get. it's trying to paint the picture of a hardass, raw, garage band of rockstars on the edge, and they need to live, breath, and smoke it everyday while they're on tour to make you feel it and experience when you go to their shows. it's not about the band. it's about the image. the image, however, is just one of many that the entertainment industry creates for our benefit, and bit by bit, we let them own us with these images.

who supports these rockstars? you do, i do, and everyone does. every time you turn on the radio and hear that same goddamn song. every time you watch that tv, because, yes, ladies and gentlemen, mtv isn't just mtv; it's owned by viacom, and if you want to talk about what viacom owns, well, shit, we might as well be talking about the whole entertainment industry. movies. tv. music. radio. everything. they own the content, they own the control of the future of music, and they most certainly own the media to access your consumer awareness that invokes your spending power.

and you spend $20 to watch a man smash a $250 instrument that i wished i could afford. we pay for the rockstars, because we've been sold into thinking that we want them. and in honor of this post, as well as a reward if you actually finished it, go ahead and listen to cake's rock and roll lifestyle.